So this week has been kinda shitty, right? It’s that time of year when nothing really happens. Work was OK, not great, not awful, just kinda shitty. Then, this weekend I was due for a romantic weekend with the Gent in Charleston. Per usual, I’d spent a ton of time, money, and effort preparing so that it would be as perfect as possible. Unfortunately, this bit me in the ass as he became super sick and had to cancel. Frustration, inflated hope, and brokeness were themes for the week, lamenting the struggle to friends and myself. Wahhh, petit pauvre…
Then, this morning I found out that not only has dude been super sick, he’s had a death in the family. OK, this trip was officially, definitely not supposed to happen. I’m an arse and nothing really matters any more.
But before I knew all that…… I was really just in need of a hug and some love and my guy. (Well, I mean, I still am). So, I thought instead of my romantic weekend with him, I’d have one with myself, just like in my Miami days. Screw it – I’ll date my damn self. I’ll make my own bad day better. Follow this formula and maybe you’ll fix yours too.
Step 1: Get Out of Your Head
Take off all of your make-up and toss your hair into a weird shape, supported by an ’80’s style banana clip because let’s face it, sometimes rubber bands pull and hurt and we don’t have time for that.
Step 2: The Outfit
Throw on something that no one should see you in. Ever. Something terribly unsexy and comfortable. Sweatpants in an unflattering color that maybe you can see ass dimples through? Check! Men’s XXXL tee shirt you received for free at some weird work event. Check! Bra? Hell, no. Uncheck! Fuzzy slippers, Check! Zip-up hoodie with a drapy front that was supposed to be design-y, but really makes you look like a bag lady, Check!
Step 3: The Booze
In this stunning outfit, you can’t drink Schlitz from the bag, you need to counter it with something fancy. Recall all the funds you spent buying champagne for the weekend, unpack it from your suitcase and pop it in the freezer for 15 minutes to robo-chill. You’ll want to drink the best bottle first.
Step 4: The Grub
Eat something for dinner that shouldn’t be considered dinner. Remember that you bought all of the making’s for Chrissy Teigan’s Chex mix for the drive/weekend. (Recipe coming soon). Make that for yourself. Add tunes that remind you that your taste in music is excellent. Drink champagne while doing so.
Step 5: The Entertainment
While you meant to enjoy a gourmet dinner after a session or two of gratuitous making out (or whatever), that’s not on the menu tonight. You’ll want to put on something that you’d never watch with a dude. May I recommend Amy Schumer’s new, “The Leather Special?” If you’ve read her book, you’ll recognize a few of the stories, but still laugh aloud alone in your living room. You can follow that with an episode or two of The Catch, which I am loving right now. At least your fiance isn’t a con-man who took your life savings. Well, that we know of. I mean, what life savings, right?
Step 6: Treat Yourself
After immersing yourself in something you are only passively watching, fire up the iPad and hit the online shops. Buy yourself something you’ve had your eye on…no handbags were acquired in the making of this evening…. No comment.
Step 7: Bed Time
Time to hit the sheets. Wash your face via the travel make-up remover towels you bought. Screw the usual routine. You’re too tired (and maybe drunk and broke) to remember that you’re spooning a pillow instead of your partner.