Have you ever caught yourself 90 minutes into a film and realised, whoops, I’m watching the worst movie ever? I did that tonight. Accidentally, of course.
It was all a downward spiral, really. Chap was supposed to go out with other chaps. I was working until 7:30 on a Friday, because…friyay! I was stoked to order in Korean food and binge watch some HBO that the Chap would not normally tolerate. Can you think of a better Friday night in? Thought not.
Instead, we grilled steaks, too much thinking for me After burning out on work …. And watched…The Revenant. Ugh. Now don’t get me wrong, I was desperate to see the film pre-Oscars, but after I knew the results, I could care less. It sounded awful.
We’ve all seen the previews, but I’ll surmise the plot in case you forgot to watch commercials in the last year.
But first, my Setting: family room table with a glass of Malbec, perfectly grilled steak at medium temperature. That’s a red Center. Red. I smashed some baby potatoes with roasted garlic and chives we charred. The Chap made honey carrots. Blah blah blah.
Opening scene: everyone is dead. Gruesomely dead via arrow to the jugular. I push my steak around and focus on potato.
Now, imagine Canada. Not the tasting menus of Montreal that you’re used to, but the rest of it. Mountains and glaciers and rivers cutting through glaciers. The most dramatic natural beauty you can imagine. Now imagine it on fire. All of it. In every scene. Insert Leo. Leo is injured in every scene. Leo eats “raw” meat in every scene. He nearly voms in one scene noshing part of a buffalo. (You know that shit is from some fancy LA rib joint). Again, fire in every scene. Raw meat in every scene. What is the disconnect? Why haven’t Leo and his bros ever heard of cooking?
Oh, insert random ghost’s musings of Leo’s baby mama. She could have at least pointed out that forest is blazing at 350F, perfect for a bison testicle or two.
Instead, Leo wins an Oscar gnawing on some carcass. Then, proceeds to wear it. And I no longer have an appetite for steak.