Hi Avid Readers with Impressive Senses of Humor! My name is Walter and I’m going to tell you all about the AWESOME visit with my dope, Aunt Lauren. I think she usually talks to you, but last weekend she promised me some time on her lap top. Apple toys really are the best.
First, a note about me. I’m two years old and I live in Fort Wayne, Indiana with my mom, my dad, and my little sister, Alice. She’s only one month old and she slept through Aunt Lauren’s entire visit! I was going to tell her to wake up and play; I didn’t want Aunt Lauren to think she was rude! Mom said to let her sleep. Being a baby sure is exhausting.
Aunt Lauren (let’s call her AL for short) arrived very late, when I was still asleep! She and my dad, that’s AL’s brother, went to talk about me over beers (Dad’s favorite) at the Hoppy Gnome. I guess that’s a bar, but it has a fun name so sometimes I ask Dad where it is because it’s easy to mix up the streets in downtown Fort Wayne. I’m only two, so my geotagging isn’t totally en pointe yet. Next year.
I instructed mom and dad that we would have donuts in the morning and that I would wake Aunt Lauren up for the day. You know what’s a little awkward? Walking into a dark basement wearing a Lionel Ritchie tee and up to a giant lump on my couch who is “supposedly” my aunt I haven’t seen in five months. I thought about jumping on her or tickling her as a wake up approach, but went with standing close and staring at her face. It seemed to work OK because AL awoke with a smile. Win for Walter.
I made Dad get the donuts because I wasn’t really in the mood to leave the house. Do you ever have those mornings? I do. And besides, AL wanted to check out my spiffy duds. She said, “Walter, can I see your shirt?” So I crumbled it up in both of my fists so that she could get a good look.
By photo number two, enough was enough! It was just a tee shirt! Gosh, AL don’t they have those in North Carolina. Your city should really get with the times. Besides, it was just Lionel Ritchie on my shirt. Haven’t you heard of him? He’s a classic. GET WITH IT.
We drove to the zoo in two separate cars because everyone wanted to hang out with me. It was really hot out and I didn’t feel like walking so I hitched a ride on Dad. We saw some birds (just like at home).
Before you knew it, we were in Africa! I took AL into this tent, like the ones they have in Africa and we sat on tiny tree stumps, just like on the plains in Africa! Going to the zoo is so authentic!
AL seemed a little scared of this shark we saw, but I wasn’t! I had just seen it yesterday so I told AL to please stop screaming in my ear.
Since the giraffes were asleep, we went to touch the next best animal…stingrays! A whole tank full of them for children like me to touch. Dad is so helpful! Since he’s really tall, he can lower me down super close to the Stingrays and I can grab their tails! I can’t wait to tell Grammy! BEST DAD EVER!
Later, we sat on a turtle which was paltry in comparison to the stingrays!
This cow had it’s big cow behind pointing to us! I mooed at it enough times that it thought I was a cow friend, so it turned around and we said hello. Hahahahaha. I tricked you, cow!
Next came some Amish folks and their goats. I’m really good with animals, so they don’t kick or bite me. I said, “hello goat,” then offered it my hand which was barren of snacks. Hahahaha tricked you, goat!
The goat licked me once so I know he’s cool with jokes.
Back at home, Alice woke up for like five minutes. She looked like a little Breton ship captain which AL liked because she’s a fancy, but laid back French lady.
It was really hot, but we played outside. I ran through the hose then we took a walk around the neighborhood to see streetlights, aircon units, and basketball hoops. My Lionel Ritchie still wasn’t dry, so Dad tossed me higher than a house to air it out! I personally approved this picture on AL’s phone.
We had a very busy day. I was EXHAUSTED, but we all went to dinner anyway. The adults ate this nacho-like bruschetta. It was just too pedestrian for me, so I didn’t bother trying it.
Then, they tried a veggie pizza with goat cheese. NEWSFLASH: I do NOT like goat cheese on pizza. I asked for basil AND no basil and there was no basil! I asked for both! Boooo.
Finally, we got to a classic meat pizza. Much better. Stick with what’s good, kids.
Finally home from dinner, I watched AL harvest my whole pepper plant! She must have been hungry because she told me not to touch the peppers, that only adults could. Settle down, AL, I’m not going to take your food. At least she let me pepper hunt for her and hold open the bag. I did sneak in a few touches to see what all of the fuss was about, then I had to wash my hands really well. Turned out to be a real snoozefest. AL said that she made a pizza oil with them back home in North Carolina. Glad pizza has made it there, even if Lionel Ritchie tees haven’t.
Oh yeah! And Dad held Alice in a plank position so she wouldn’t be sad. Then, AL placed a tiny horse on top of her behind and took a photo. Adults are so weird.
Dad forgot to age, and the adults sure thought it was funny to take the same photo two years later. (Not funny!) I’m doing a much more advanced plank than Alice. I still have lots to teach her.
I thanked AL for coming to visit and had to go to bed which is the WORST. I knew that AL was going to get to go to the airport and get a FREE cookie out of an old suitcase. Fort Wayne is so fun!
One million cookies were at the airport! A million! That’s more than I can count to yet…maybe next year!
I hope that you enjoyed last weekend as much as I did. See you guys at Christmas when I take over the blog again. I’ve been brushing up on the classics, so expect more thoughtful prose then.