Setting: Lying in bed this weekend
Beau: “Would you trade me in for a giant hunk of gouda if you had the chance?”
Me: “Would it be shaped like you? You know have your mass, rib circumference, and all of that?”
Me: “Definitely. I’d take the gouda. And I’d eat the gouda nipples off first like rabbit ears.”
This was just your standard Sunday morning conversation, but it did have some truth to it. I love cheese. My bestie loves cheese. What else should we be doing other than to go on an exotic vacation together with to-die-for restaurant options? Everyone knows cheese boards and bikinis were meant to be together.
When I came across the following article from The Cut yesterday, you can imagine my elation. Caftan ready! Who needs a bikini when you can don a giant napkin? Of course, I sent this fine work of journalism over to the best immediately. She responded that she’s clearly a trendsetter as she’s been on this diet for years.
How to Get Your Body Caftan Ready for Summer
By: Veronique Hyland
About a month ago, I was eating at a restaurant in West Hollywood with a friend. We’d already devoured faux In-N-Out burgers, the contents of the dim sum and sushi carts, and a generous helping of fries. She didn’t seem particularly concerned about our Falstaffian night of consumption. “I’m getting ready to go to a caftan party,” she told me. Instead of a bachelorette party, a friend of hers was having a house party with caftans as a required dress code. When I returned to New York, I saw that Christina Hendricks is also a fan of caftan parties (and even got Jimmy Fallon to wear one). One can only hope that, like juicing, injecting vitamin B-12, using hella as an adverb, and doing those weird IV drips, caftan parties are a chill West Coast trend that’s headed east very soon. That’s how it always starts: Your much-cooler-to-the-point-where-they’re-slumming friend tells you about it, then a minor celebrity raves about it, then everyone is suddenly doing it.
It’s now late May, which means that women’s publications are in full bikini-body crisis mode. A Vogue headline blares, “How to Get a Beach Body in Two Weeks.” Self magazine might as well display a visible forehead vein: Get that bikini body or else! (“SUMMER SEXY STARTS NOW,” screams their current cover.) These articles emphasize a Spartan regimen of salt-reduction, dry brushing, and tiny, fishy meals. Perhaps there’s the occasional Pyrrhic “cheat day,” but overall these prescriptions do not spell “summer fun.”
But getting a caftan body — now, that is far more pleasurable. Below, the Cut’s steps to getting yourself caftan-ready for the warmer months. (The best news: Literally every step but the first is optional.)
1. Select a caftan of your chosen gauge and length. Stroke its gauzy fabric and whisper into its folds.
2. Let your flesh settle into the crevices of your comfortable, comfortable caftan.
3. Crumbs? Let them fall where they may, swaddled in your caftan.
4. Throw out your razor.
5. Throw out your bra.
6. Throw out the aloe vera lotion you bought last summer. You will not be getting sunburned this summer.
7. Release your inhibitions. Feel the rain on your skin.